So what really has been going on in my life?
I honestly dont know. how about i just list it all out. first things first, college has made me realize the faults and weaknesses that I have. realizing all of this makes me feel as if I am not good at anything. I see people left and right succeeding and im here siting at my desk trying to comprehend everything that comes my way, but nope. my brain doesnt handle it well. This alone has made me want to seclude myself from everyone because my self confidence has plummeted ever since i started college. how depressing right?
Friends… I have met some amazing people. Yeah i have amazing friends. But oftentimes, i get too attached to people and when im not with them, the only thing i feel is depression, loner, not a good friend, a failure, and someone who isnt worthy of being invited to the fun things. Many have told me that its just my mind making things up but at this point, i really dont know if it is my mind making it all up or if its the reality behind things. When i see my friends hanging out without me, i feel so left out of the group, and honestly, i think this is where jealousy starts taking part. I start getting jealous at the stuff that they do and i start thinking that im not good enough whatsoever.
School… all i have to say is that EFF school. I have been doing poorly in all my classes this past semester and i honestly dont know what to do. I am doing poorly in my chemistry class. whats scary about that is that if i dont pass this class, i will not be able to take my major classes, and i will eventually be aa semester or two behind my original track. once again, seeing others succeed just shoots me down. Ive been trying to see it as motivation to do better, but i feel like i am not capable of all of it.
love life…. yes i had a girlfriend but then we broke up after 5 months of being together. our schedules didnt match up and that brakeup made me more self conscious about all the things that i do and its killing me because after the breakup, i realized that i have a
slight major separation anxiety problem. this applies to friends as well.
Its tough for me right now. everything is in question and i dont know what im going to do to make things better. I know life is way too short to be dwelling on such thoughts but nothing can be helped about it. its just the way i think. It truly is tough. At the same time, im thinking that everyone goes through his phase. a phase of self discovery within college. just go with the flow and see how it is and you will eventually find out who you really are. But there are times when i just want to lock myself in my room, curl up into a ball and just lay there collecting dust. starving myself because i dont want to eat alone. i live a sad life. something that many people have told me that they didnt expect from me.
all in all, this semester has been iffy. as of right now, im in a deep trench just trying to find a way out. not trying to sound all poetic and stuff, but its just how i am really feeling. i hate feeling like this because it shows and people notice. when people notice, i bring them down and i hate that. I want to be the person who brings a smile to peoples faces but at the same time, i dont want to fake a smile. the struggle is beyond real right now.